CWP: Jacob Nissen: Satire on iPads



Jacob Nissen
Mr. Schwager
English 405
28 February 2013
CWP Quarter 3: Satire
            Our fair high school holds a place in history for its being the first high school (to my knowledge) to attempt integration. It is ground zero for the cooperation of man and machine in the interest of bettering the educational experience. A noble goal by any standards, but three years in, you have no doubt recognized as I have by this time the problems that are so incessantly present in this trailblazing venture. 
            For the sake of clarity I will endeavor to list them out for you here, so that you may better understand where I am coming from. The first major criticism iPads have received is that rather than being the useful classroom apparatuses they are intended to be, they serve to distract students from the subject matter and disrupt the class. Any teacher will tell you how often this phenomenon occurs; in most cases, it is a daily struggle to keep students focused and on task. In some classes, it is such a big problem that the teacher must collect iPads in a basket at the start of the period. In others, teachers neglect their incorporation altogether in order to secure the attention of their pupils. I have observed for myself countless times that questions posed to another student concerning the book or PDF the class is examining is met with confusion and guilt as several audible clicks are made in the journey from Facebook to the page he/she ought to be on. The teachers here are by no means at fault. It is difficult enough to impart knowledge to a mass of sophomoric teenagers, and the added responsibility of keeping them off social media sites is an undue burden upon the good teachers of this establishment. And as it is difficult to absorb both the latest gossip and even the most rudimentary understanding of Shakespeare, the commingling of humanity and technology has clearly failed to bring back the expected returns.
            Another point often raised is the inconvenience of having to tote the iPad around. It is no secret that the iPad is rather cumbersome, and transporting the behemoth is taxing on even the most resilient of backs. The unfortunate proportions of the thing make it such that it is too large for a pocket yet too small for a standard cart. The iPad is thus a stranger in both camps and cries of the burden this creates never cease.
            Also cited is the unbearable sluggishness the iPads possess. The bulk of this actually does not find the iPad at fault. The Wi-Fi routers are bogged down by the constant frequenting of social media sites by a large portion of the student body. The iPad itself is mired by the download of useless gaming apps and the populace’s general negligence when it comes to closing programs not in use. It is true that part of the problem stems from the iPad’s inherent limitations, the likes of which are held by any computational device, but each new model serves to transgress beyond these boundaries. Thus the solution is simply to buy each new version of the iPad as it comes out each year.
            There is also a lot of outrage and resentment surrounding the fact that very few of the text books are available on the iPad. Now this is somewhat justified considering there is an entire commercial that suggests Monte Vista students don’t need to have books because of iPads (we can get into the moral problems of false advertising some other time), but this isn’t the iPad’s fault. If the administration sets the bar higher than the device can ever reach, it is much more to blame for the universal disappointment than the iPads who at least presented their limitations very clearly from the get-go. Nevertheless, the fact remains that the books are not on the iPad, and that has made a lot of people very angry.
            Another criticism concerns how the iPads are often mistreated. The students seem to possess a certain propensity for losing them. We have an entire building on campus that was very wisely cleared out of all its books so that there might be more room to store the mountains of backup iPads that need to be loaned to every student who rudely abandons his/hers at home or misplaces it altogether. And we need a whole IT team to put all the poor broken devices to rest and then send a replacement to wait the slaughter. The money this wasteful practice requires keeps adding up, but the maliciousness of students towards their mechanical compatriots shows no sign of decreasing. Obviously there is a big problem here.
            The last issue you’ll hear about from me deals with the lack of knowledge concerning the iPad’s use. Most students are inexperienced when it comes to this wonderful technology, and they don’t know how to elicit the optimum performance from it. I think a large part of why they turn so often to social media sites and games is that these are simple and intuitive. Now this is not to say that the iPad is illogical in its setup and its very essence is not user-friendly but rather that students require tutorials either taken out of the teacher’s class time or offered optionally over a holiday. The students have proven themselves quite unwilling to utilize these generous offers; as a result, they dwell in their ignorance and disgrace the technology by not using it to the design for which it was integrated.
            From these unfortunate truths, I hope you can surmise what I myself have been forced to come to terms with: the noble experiment has failed. The fusion of man and machine in an educational setting has created a slew of problems and has not to this point accomplished its goal of a better scholastic experience. But do not be disheartened, for I have found a solution. The obvious fact in all this is that students and iPads were not meant to mix within the classroom, and it is with this in mind that I propose putting an end to the integration process. The source of the problems involving iPads in the classroom is clearly the human component, and as such, its immediate removal will eliminate all the aforementioned evils.
            Without the students, social media sites are no longer there to serve as distractions from the subject matter. Teachers will no longer have to worry whether iPads are being used properly. No baskets would be necessary. The right PDFs and books will always be open, since there are no uninterested students to stray from the path. The obsession with the latest school drama will no longer block the flow of Shakespeare’s full unadulterated awesomeness, so the entire learning experience will finally be enhanced as intended by the introduction of iPads.
            Additionally, there will be no more complaints about transporting the iPads with the students voicing them gone. Travel between school and home and travel between classrooms will no longer be necessary, so the iPads can just stay in one place. This will make the whole process of education more efficient because time no longer needs to be wasted waiting for students to bring the iPad to class.
            The issue of sluggishness disappears as well. The various social media sites will no longer be visited, so the Wi-Fi routers can run with an unseen quickness. Useless games won’t occupy memory space, and no students will be there to carelessly leave programs running; as a result, the iPads will also run at bewildering speeds. And with all the money saved no longer having to provide for students various material needs, it is easy to buy the frequent iPad updates to keep speed increasing.
            With the iPads no longer having to go home with the students, the problem of the text books not being on them goes away. The iPads stay in the classrooms, where there are copies of all the text books available. Because of this, no money has to be wasted on buying text books for students’ homes, which once again opens up more money for use in buying iPads.
            Doing away with students simultaneously does away with the mistreatment of iPads. Not leaving the classroom, the possibility of them getting lost or abandoned somewhere is gone. With no ill-willed students to break iPads, the school no longer has to fret. These changes mean that less backup and replacement iPads need to be purchased, so the books can return to the iPad building if the administration so chooses. The school can save even more money because the IT team can be thinned out, as the need their job addresses decreases dramatically. With all this extra money in the school treasury, more iPads can be bought and the new models can replace the obsolete versions each year.
            When the students are finally taken out of the classroom, the issue of having to educate them on proper iPad use vanishes. The iPads will be free to work their full potential when the fetter of humanity is thrown off. Class time and holidays will no longer have to be wasted with technology tutorials, and the whole of the educational experience will increase as it was meant to with the iPad.
            As this has hopefully made blatantly obvious, there is no way that iPads and students will better the educational experience as long as they are present together. If the administration remains as devoted to giving the iPads a place in the classroom as it currently is, the only method to free them of the problems I have endeavored to list and elicit the most from them is to eliminate the human component altogether. Only then will the superior educational experience that was originally expected be created. It is my wish that the administration will look on this expansive catalogue of problems and judge the best course of action, which as I have said before is clearly the immediate end of this futile attempt at integration.

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